The more things change, the more they stay the same....so cliche, but so true. School started back for the entire family last week, much to my shagrin. It seems like time flies, but the sooner it flies, the sooner I graduate.
Unfortunately, being back to normal means I have no time. No time to play with my kids the way I want, no time I try to reassure my teenager that I am a good mom, a cool mom. It also feels like it leaves plenty of time for her to find comfort elsewhere. Perhaps with her dad's new girlfriend. I noticed they are now friends on facebook. A small slap in the face. I'm trying not to be upset about it.
I have so many questions about this whole situation. My ex is bipolar, violent at times, belittling, hateful, and emotionally damaging. But at times he is fun, silly, loving, encouraging, and uplifting. It seems like the bad qualities outweigh the good, but it makes me think. Is he like that with her? If not, why couldn't he control himself and take his meds when he was with me? If not for us, but for our kids. I know he is partially medicated right now, but who knows how long that will last. Going off of past experience, not long. The longest he ever stayed on his meds was for 6 months, and that's because he was court ordered to do so.
I find myself questioning my decisions over the past few years. But deep in my heart, I know I've done what's best for myself and my children. It's just no easy to see him moving on while I feel like I'm still in the same place I was 2 years ago. I AM moving on though. Just in a different way. I'm almost done with my Bachelor's. That's a huge freaking step in life. But, it just isnt' the same.
I wonder if I'm just babbling to myself. What's the point of all this? Welcome back to "normal".
