Back to Normal?

The more things change, the more they stay the same....so cliche, but so true.  School started back for the entire family last week, much to my shagrin.  It seems like time flies, but the sooner it flies, the sooner I graduate. 

Unfortunately, being back to normal means I have no time.   No time to play with my kids the way I want, no time I try to reassure my teenager that I am a good mom, a cool mom.  It also feels like it leaves plenty of time for her to find comfort elsewhere.  Perhaps with her dad's new girlfriend.  I noticed they are now friends on facebook.  A small slap in the face.  I'm trying not to be upset about it.

I have so many questions about this whole situation.  My ex is bipolar, violent at times, belittling, hateful, and emotionally damaging.  But at times he is fun, silly, loving, encouraging, and uplifting.  It seems like the bad qualities outweigh the good, but it makes me think.  Is he like that with her?  If not, why couldn't he control himself and take his meds when he was with me?  If not for us, but for our kids.  I know he is partially medicated right now, but who knows how long that will last.  Going off of past experience, not long.  The longest he ever stayed on his meds was for 6 months, and that's because he was court ordered to do so. 

I find myself questioning my decisions over the past few years.  But deep in my heart, I know I've done what's best for myself and my children.  It's just no easy to see him moving on while I feel like I'm still in the same place I was 2 years ago.  I AM moving on though.  Just in a different way.  I'm almost done with my Bachelor's.  That's a huge freaking step in life.  But, it just isnt' the same. 

I wonder if I'm just babbling to myself.  What's the point of all this?  Welcome back to "normal".

What If?

I've noticed that my teenager hates me.  How did I notice, she told me, that's how.  Geez. Don't hold back.

Needless to say, I was devastated.  She doesn't like me and doesn't want to live with me.  I am trying to convice myself that she is just being a teenager and one day she will wake up, the angels will sing, and she will realize what a gem I am.  But....what if?

What if that never happens? 

It's been a rough week over here.  I'm pretty sure I'm at my breaking point of shitty stuff that can slap me upside the head right now.  I can only deal with so much at maintain my barely there sanity.  I need a change.  I need some magic in this life.  I need to feel like there's SOMEONE out there that gives a crap about MY feelings. 

Seems this blog is turning into a boo-hoo fest.  I am so ready for the New Year.  I am so ready for the New Me.

What's the Deal?

So, what is the deal?  I've spent the last few days thinking about life in general.  Why is it so hard to be happy with the way things are?  I have come a long way in the past 2 years, but for some reason it's still not good enough.  I was in the gutter (figuratively, of course).  My life was a wreck, I was stuck in a horrible marriage (at which some point I will explain in detail), and I had the courage to get out.  I got my kids out.  I am giving them a shot at a decent life.  So????  What's my problem?

The dwelling has to stop, I can tell you that.  I feel like a freaking psycho!  It seems to be all I think about.  I dreamt about the two of them,  for the love of Mike!  Get out of my dreams assholes!!!  I realized after my breakdown the other day, that was really the first time since the divorce was final that I actually let myself cry about the trainwreck that has become my life.  It felt good, but at the same time I sort of felt like a failure.  A failure for not being able to keep it together.  A failure at marriage, happiness, and life in general.  The rational part of my brain tells me that that's a load of crap, the emotional, unstable part of my brain tells me I'm right on.  They are in a constant war with each other and the winner depends on what day of the week it is.

So....what's the next step?  Who knows.  New Years Resolutions seem so silly, but maybe that will get my ass into gear.  Lose weight.  Stop obsessing.  Self-respect.  Be a better mom.  Get the hell out of nursing school....that's what I have to do.  Get on with my life.  Start over.

The only question is, how?

It's Official

The  world of post-divorce life is ever changing. 

Note the time and date.  That's right.  It's Christmas Eve.  The presents are out, the kiddies are in bed, and I am up creating a blog about my ex.  Who's the loser now?

In the last three days I have confirmed my suspicion that my ex has begun dating, found out that she has met my children without me knowing, and managed to get through these last few days before Christmas without hurling on my Keens.  How?  I don't know.

To start let me just say this:  I am SO over him.  We were married for almost 11 rocky years.  I filed. It was my choice.  So, why do I feel like I have been kicked in the gut?  Why does it feel as if I'm being cheated on?  Jealousy?  Hell no.  Envy?  Maybe a little.  Ok...maybe a little of both.

To be completely honest, I wanted to be the one who moved on first.  Of course, I am raising our three children (with the exception of the first, third and fifth weekends of the month) and trying to get myself through nursing school...who the hell has time to date?  Him.  That's who.  It seems while I have been spending my every waking hour studying for tests, passing up sleep to do laundry, and trying my best to hang on the the one shred of sanity I have left my ex has had plenty of time to chase a little skirt. 

I called my BFF today bawling my eyes out today, ok, blubbering like an idiot is probably more like it.  But why the hell do I care?  I don't know, but I do.  When she asked if I wanted him to be happy, my answer was a quick, "No.".  But do I?  Maybe.  Probably not.  Seems like justice would state I am the one to be happy, he is the one to be regretting what he threw away.  Funny how justice doesn't work in my favor.  Ever.

So, this whole pile of crap that seems to be my emotional health is begging for some T.L.C.  What do I do?  I start a blog, naturally.  Will anyone read it.  Who knows?  But maybe in the midst of it I can find some sanity, self worth and a little bit of peace in this cluster-eff of life.  

Stay tuned....