I've noticed that my teenager hates me. How did I notice, she told me, that's how. Geez. Don't hold back.
Needless to say, I was devastated. She doesn't like me and doesn't want to live with me. I am trying to convice myself that she is just being a teenager and one day she will wake up, the angels will sing, and she will realize what a gem I am. But....what if?
What if that never happens?
It's been a rough week over here. I'm pretty sure I'm at my breaking point of shitty stuff that can slap me upside the head right now. I can only deal with so much at maintain my barely there sanity. I need a change. I need some magic in this life. I need to feel like there's SOMEONE out there that gives a crap about MY feelings.
Seems this blog is turning into a boo-hoo fest. I am so ready for the New Year. I am so ready for the New Me.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
What's the Deal?
So, what is the deal? I've spent the last few days thinking about life in general. Why is it so hard to be happy with the way things are? I have come a long way in the past 2 years, but for some reason it's still not good enough. I was in the gutter (figuratively, of course). My life was a wreck, I was stuck in a horrible marriage (at which some point I will explain in detail), and I had the courage to get out. I got my kids out. I am giving them a shot at a decent life. So???? What's my problem?
The dwelling has to stop, I can tell you that. I feel like a freaking psycho! It seems to be all I think about. I dreamt about the two of them, for the love of Mike! Get out of my dreams assholes!!! I realized after my breakdown the other day, that was really the first time since the divorce was final that I actually let myself cry about the trainwreck that has become my life. It felt good, but at the same time I sort of felt like a failure. A failure for not being able to keep it together. A failure at marriage, happiness, and life in general. The rational part of my brain tells me that that's a load of crap, the emotional, unstable part of my brain tells me I'm right on. They are in a constant war with each other and the winner depends on what day of the week it is.
So....what's the next step? Who knows. New Years Resolutions seem so silly, but maybe that will get my ass into gear. Lose weight. Stop obsessing. Self-respect. Be a better mom. Get the hell out of nursing school....that's what I have to do. Get on with my life. Start over.
The only question is, how?
The dwelling has to stop, I can tell you that. I feel like a freaking psycho! It seems to be all I think about. I dreamt about the two of them, for the love of Mike! Get out of my dreams assholes!!! I realized after my breakdown the other day, that was really the first time since the divorce was final that I actually let myself cry about the trainwreck that has become my life. It felt good, but at the same time I sort of felt like a failure. A failure for not being able to keep it together. A failure at marriage, happiness, and life in general. The rational part of my brain tells me that that's a load of crap, the emotional, unstable part of my brain tells me I'm right on. They are in a constant war with each other and the winner depends on what day of the week it is.
So....what's the next step? Who knows. New Years Resolutions seem so silly, but maybe that will get my ass into gear. Lose weight. Stop obsessing. Self-respect. Be a better mom. Get the hell out of nursing school....that's what I have to do. Get on with my life. Start over.
The only question is, how?
Friday, December 24, 2010
It's Official
The world of post-divorce life is ever changing.
Note the time and date. That's right. It's Christmas Eve. The presents are out, the kiddies are in bed, and I am up creating a blog about my ex. Who's the loser now?
In the last three days I have confirmed my suspicion that my ex has begun dating, found out that she has met my children without me knowing, and managed to get through these last few days before Christmas without hurling on my Keens. How? I don't know.
To start let me just say this: I am SO over him. We were married for almost 11 rocky years. I filed. It was my choice. So, why do I feel like I have been kicked in the gut? Why does it feel as if I'm being cheated on? Jealousy? Hell no. Envy? Maybe a little. Ok...maybe a little of both.
To be completely honest, I wanted to be the one who moved on first. Of course, I am raising our three children (with the exception of the first, third and fifth weekends of the month) and trying to get myself through nursing school...who the hell has time to date? Him. That's who. It seems while I have been spending my every waking hour studying for tests, passing up sleep to do laundry, and trying my best to hang on the the one shred of sanity I have left my ex has had plenty of time to chase a little skirt.
I called my BFF today bawling my eyes out today, ok, blubbering like an idiot is probably more like it. But why the hell do I care? I don't know, but I do. When she asked if I wanted him to be happy, my answer was a quick, "No.". But do I? Maybe. Probably not. Seems like justice would state I am the one to be happy, he is the one to be regretting what he threw away. Funny how justice doesn't work in my favor. Ever.
So, this whole pile of crap that seems to be my emotional health is begging for some T.L.C. What do I do? I start a blog, naturally. Will anyone read it. Who knows? But maybe in the midst of it I can find some sanity, self worth and a little bit of peace in this cluster-eff of life.
Stay tuned....
Note the time and date. That's right. It's Christmas Eve. The presents are out, the kiddies are in bed, and I am up creating a blog about my ex. Who's the loser now?
In the last three days I have confirmed my suspicion that my ex has begun dating, found out that she has met my children without me knowing, and managed to get through these last few days before Christmas without hurling on my Keens. How? I don't know.
To start let me just say this: I am SO over him. We were married for almost 11 rocky years. I filed. It was my choice. So, why do I feel like I have been kicked in the gut? Why does it feel as if I'm being cheated on? Jealousy? Hell no. Envy? Maybe a little. Ok...maybe a little of both.
To be completely honest, I wanted to be the one who moved on first. Of course, I am raising our three children (with the exception of the first, third and fifth weekends of the month) and trying to get myself through nursing school...who the hell has time to date? Him. That's who. It seems while I have been spending my every waking hour studying for tests, passing up sleep to do laundry, and trying my best to hang on the the one shred of sanity I have left my ex has had plenty of time to chase a little skirt.
I called my BFF today bawling my eyes out today, ok, blubbering like an idiot is probably more like it. But why the hell do I care? I don't know, but I do. When she asked if I wanted him to be happy, my answer was a quick, "No.". But do I? Maybe. Probably not. Seems like justice would state I am the one to be happy, he is the one to be regretting what he threw away. Funny how justice doesn't work in my favor. Ever.
So, this whole pile of crap that seems to be my emotional health is begging for some T.L.C. What do I do? I start a blog, naturally. Will anyone read it. Who knows? But maybe in the midst of it I can find some sanity, self worth and a little bit of peace in this cluster-eff of life.
Stay tuned....
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