So, what is the deal? I've spent the last few days thinking about life in general. Why is it so hard to be happy with the way things are? I have come a long way in the past 2 years, but for some reason it's still not good enough. I was in the gutter (figuratively, of course). My life was a wreck, I was stuck in a horrible marriage (at which some point I will explain in detail), and I had the courage to get out. I got my kids out. I am giving them a shot at a decent life. So???? What's my problem?
The dwelling has to stop, I can tell you that. I feel like a freaking psycho! It seems to be all I think about. I dreamt about the two of them, for the love of Mike! Get out of my dreams assholes!!! I realized after my breakdown the other day, that was really the first time since the divorce was final that I actually let myself cry about the trainwreck that has become my life. It felt good, but at the same time I sort of felt like a failure. A failure for not being able to keep it together. A failure at marriage, happiness, and life in general. The rational part of my brain tells me that that's a load of crap, the emotional, unstable part of my brain tells me I'm right on. They are in a constant war with each other and the winner depends on what day of the week it is.
So....what's the next step? Who knows. New Years Resolutions seem so silly, but maybe that will get my ass into gear. Lose weight. Stop obsessing. Self-respect. Be a better mom. Get the hell out of nursing school....that's what I have to do. Get on with my life. Start over.
The only question is, how?
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